Say it isn’t so
Tell me you are not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
This is not goodbye
This starting over…
If you wanna know, I don’t wanna Let go
So Say it isn’t so.
The lyrics above were sung by Gareth gates and was my companion when I suffered my most remarkable heartbreak. I say remarkable because it wasn’t my first. It was a very promising relationship I must say. I’ve been there several times over and as I write I see pictures of the pain you may be going through right now.
A break up has a way of throwing your entire system out of order. I was broken, shattered and felt like I was going under the knife without any anesthetic given to me by the surgeon. I began seeking desperately on how to get over a breakup quickly.
It happened in the year 2010, I was woken up by a text message at 3 am saying “I’m sorry but it’s over between us”. Those were the words that pushed my entire world into confusion. I cried for days, I went without food, life lost its meaning, I went through mental torture, I was confused and felt betrayed.
That is why I can relate to you listening to Adele’s songs and drowning in your tears or even shaking your head in denial saying “this can’t be happening” or maybe you are even tempted to smash your phone against the wall or just scroll through this page you are reading quickly. I am not going to berate you for this, I mean you are hurting and it is justified.
I agree you were head over heels in love with your ex, I know you looked forward to when you will tie the knot but sometimes the aisle to the altar can be so long and also flooded with a lot of heartaches, pains and sometimes a broken heart.
I also understand that your biological clock is ticking and it makes you hide from family and friends who keep asking when you are bringing your partner or asking for a date and this could be making you boil with rage and at the same time you feel like you are beginning to slip into depression.
Please cheer up, I advise you look at it from the brighter side, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Are you ready to find out how to get over a breakup?
The Breaking up is a loss and the pain could be compared to that of losing a loved one because it has to do with separation. Yours may not be the loss of a loved one because you know the chapter of love isn’t closed by death but by someone who decided to turn off the love switch.
This hurts the more because you know this person you once set your hopes on is very much alive but chose someone else or even decided to just let go of you and all you stand for after several promises.
I can relate to all of these and that’s why I’m here to lend you a helping hand because you can’t remain in this state, life has to go on. We will be going on a journey together as we explore how to get over a breakup fast.
Firstly, Give Expression To How You Feel
You must be feeling terrible now, you are in tears and you feel so much anger towards your mate that left you. Perhaps, you are not angry but just feel numb, like you don’t even know how you feel; You are not wrong to feel this way. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that a relationship you once held so dear is over.
Being angry is how most people feel over a broken heart. You don’t have to deny as there is nothing wrong with being angry. If shedding some tears will make you feel better, go ahead and do it. You are already isolating yourself from people, you can’t eat, sleep or even work. You feel like a shadow of yourself, your glow is gone as if your ex seemed to have taken it along.
You struggle to function, you even snap when people who love and care for you try to lend a helping hand and show you care so you can recover quickly. You judge yourself for being naïve, for being taken advantage of and feel there was something you should have done that you did not do or there was something you did that you should not have done.
Saying you feel bad is an understatement of how you really feel presently, you feel your world has ended and you don’t want to go on without your ex. You feel like being drawn back and separated not just from your ex but life in general.
Remember, we are talking about how to get over a breakup fast but I have to analyze how you feel so you can trust this piece enough to offer you some help on your road to healing.
Mind you, I’m not a physician but if at the point of letting your feelings find expression you discover you are slipping into depression, please kindly see a physician. This piece is here to get you out of the sadness you feel, help you be realistic about your pain and how to get over a breakup.
You may be asking how long is this pain going to last? All I can say is that it depends. I know time heals but if you don’t get involved in the process of healing, time may keep moving while you remain same, yes your memory may fade and your grief reduces but with resentment growing somewhere inside you which will put you on a path of revenge that may not end well.
But note that healing takes time and just like an open wound, it will heal gradually inside and close up on the outside, even when you see the scar someday, it will only bring up memories but the pain associated with it won’t be there any longer. Everything around you may be screaming that you can never let go but with time, you will heal.
2. Go Easy On Yourself
By this, I mean don’t over analyze issues. I know you feel used, taken advantage of and abandoned, I understand you also made mistakes that if only you could turn back the hand of time you would undo them or even beg for a second chance to make things right. I know this very well but how about looking at things from another angle.
Relationships mean different things to different people and these days it’s been looked at by some as the highest bidder takes home the prize You had your needs in that relationship and permit me to say that not all of them were met, you were unhappy yet you stayed in.
I need you to understand that you and your ex are two different individuals and you also differ in the capacity to take some things. You stayed but your mate had to leave, perhaps because they wanted more than you could offer. It could have been the other way you know? I believe you tried to give your best but maybe your best wasn’t enough.
Look at it as you not being the perfect match and your match will show up someday and you will forget all of these pain. Thinking this way will set you on a path of healing quickly and opening up your mind to the power of how to get over a breakup with someone you love.
3. Do A Reality Check
While the tears are running down your cheek and you feel numb, try not to waste this pain. Look beyond your emotions and look at the real reason why you are in tears. As painful as it feels, this is the best time to view your relationship with the eyes of reality.
Take a step back and watch the events that have occurred from the very start right up till now, see it as a movie, remove yourself from the picture then analyze it from a third party point of view. I’ve drawn out a few questions that can help you.
I remember when I had mine, a close friend asked me these questions:
- Why did your relationship end?
- Are you crying because of the sacrifices you made or because you miss your ex?
- Are you mourning the fact that you may never find anyone like your ex again?
- Are you actually mourning the loss of this relationship or mourning its future?
By this I mean, are the tears flowing because you feel it should have ended in marriage?
Personally, these questions struck a bell with me because somehow I wasn’t getting the treatment I deserved while I was in the relationship but it made me look good amongst my friends and I was crying because of the shame I will face.
4. What Do I Need To Learn And Unlearn From This Relationship That Just Ended?
For me, I learned a great deal. I learned to give myself some self space. The relationship consumed me so much that I never developed myself, as a matter of fact, that break upset me on the path of being a writer as I journaled all of my feelings, I went after knowledge, I saw mistakes I made and I learned better ways of being a great mate in a relationship.
I went after answers and I got encouraged to sign up to be a relationship counselor too. I learned from my pain, I learned not to accept disrespect and love myself. I learned a whole lot.
I unlearned being passive, back then in the relationship everything my mate did was fine just because I never wanted to lose him but the break up let me see the other side of the mix and I’m better for it today. You too can grow strong from pain.
This is a process that needs you to be sincere with yourself. It is one of the ways on how to get over a breakup.
5. Journal It
Another way on how to get over a heartbreak and depression is by writing. By this way, your pain isn’t shut up in your system, it brings some kind of relief.
When I had my experience, I brought out my diaries and began to write. I was too angry to talk to him so I did all my venting on paper. I wrote my heart out, I expressed my pain fears, anger, all of it. I poured them out into those journals and then I knew I would be a writer someday.
You can try to express how you feel on paper like they are with you physically, ask questions and leave them unanswered. Allow your pain to come out. Its been found out to be therapeutic in itself. When you feel lonely, write, when you feel sad, just write. It would give you some relief.
6. Do Not Isolate Yourself
Still, thinking of ways on how to get over a breakup? Stay in the company of people, change the environment, be outgoing. You have stayed in isolation enough. I know you did this initially because you needed to process your feelings but as time goes on, please do well to fill the void your partner left behind.
How do you do such? Get all the love you can from family and friends. I know they will wrap their arms of love around you to give you enough warmth. While you are at this, remember the aim is how to get over a breakup fast, so you are the one in the picture here. Try to avoid discussions about your ex. After having explained to family and friends, move on.
Tell them to allow you to heal by not speaking about your ex. You also avoid situations that will make you say bad things about your ex because you never can tell what will happen in the future so don’t burn the bridge completely even though you are separated for now.
7. Love Yourself
This is one important aspect of how to get over a breakup. If you were isolated from yourself while in your last relationship, this is the time to reintroduce you to yourself and love you. Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you made.
Your intentions may have just been misunderstood, your motives were right but not appreciated. Believe in yourself again. Be unapologetically you, be handsome or beautiful again. Tell yourself you deserve the best and that best is on its way.
Draw strength from your abilities, put them to work, give in your best wherever you find yourself, it’s only your relationship that failed, you are not a failure, your mate didn’t tap deep enough to see your value and worth. It not your loss anyways but theirs. Just love yourself!
I remember that when I had my experience, I filled up the void my ex left with self-love because I never had friends, the reason why the heartbreak was so painful. He was my everything. We did everything together. After the breakup, I loved myself generously.
Apart from going out with the only female friend I had then, I took myself out on dates. I would go shopping sometimes, go see a movie, go to the museum, beach and sometimes the library. Other times I bought something new for myself and addressed cards I never received from my ex to myself.
I remember on one of those dates, I sat across the chair in an eatery and I was talking to myself and a guy walked passed me and turned back to look at me because I was engrossed in the process of talking with my self and asking questions. He came back and sat with me. I won a great male friend who is still dear to me to date.
He made me laugh so hard until tears began to fill my eyes. That evening is one I always like to refer to as an evening of release for me because afterward, something in me snapped and I told myself, I will love again, I will not stay sad, I will be happy again.
8. Go Back To The Drawing Board
What is past is gone and may never return. It’s time to start planning for your next relationship. I hear you say in your mind, I will never love again, of course, you will, you only say that because you are hurting.
So you will understand, I don’t mean you should run into the arms of the next person that comes along, never, because the person may end up being a rebound( a rebound is someone you use to get over a breakup or hurting relationship). You need to heal properly.
So I don’t advise that because you need to heal else you will end up bleeding on someone who did not cut you. When I talk about heading to the drawing board I’m saying it’s time to begin to plan towards falling in love again and this time you are going to get your acts right.
On this drawing board, you will write out, in all honesty, the kind of mate you will like to have next, by this I mean your ideal mate. Write out the qualities.
Looking at your strengths and weaknesses, what kind of mate will suit you?
Looking at your ex, what were the things you loved about them that you will love to see in your next mate?
What about the things you needed badly but never got?
It could be respect, motivation, love; just be sincere to yourself.
What were the errors and mistakes you made that cost you your last relationship?
Write them down and also write ways you will avoid them in your new relationship when the time comes. This is a great exercise that if you are sincere, you will go outside these questions and draw up more as it is one of the best ways of how to get over a breakup quickly. Looking forward to a better relationship tells you there is hope.
9. Go After Knowledge
Take classes on relationships, check online, read up. The truth is that the level of your awareness has a way of reflecting on your relationships.
Take, for example, if you don’t understand yourself, you may not be able to receive a mate that will suit you. If you don’t know what to do while you are in a relationship, how will it grow and last forever? These are the reasons you should go after knowledge.
Seek self-help books, understand your temperament, if grooming was an issue in the past, look for books that will teach you how to do just that.
10. Look Into The Future
Now you are armed with what it takes. Be glad you are looking forward to something better. Don’t stay glued to the past, you can’t get a new catch if your hands are still tied to your ex and the bad experiences you have had.
Don’t look at your friends who seem to be having the best of relationships, look to the future. Visualize your next mate. See them through your mind’s eye, put them in positions you will like them to function.
While you are going through this, try not to pursue your ex. You will wonder why this is coming at the bottom. It’s because we were all about how to get over a breakup quickly and getting you to heal quickly. But I just feel this will come in handy.
I know you are fighting with the current reality, you are praying, stalking him on social media, checking to see how quickly he has moved on, checking his contact list to see if there is a new person in his life, you try to show up where he will be sometimes because you feel when he or she sees you, they will have a rethink and call for a makeup, perhaps you have been sending some “I can’t do without you” messages and all. Please beautiful and Handsome, you seriously have to stop that. It will hamper your healing process. Focus on you.
Don’t make the mistake of convincing yourself that if you stay in there a little longer, your ex will come back, what if they don’t? Refuse to be in denial. Your ex has moved on and I think you should also. That your relationship did not work out as envisaged does not mean you are not good enough, it only means you were not a good match.
There are times and seasons and sometimes people come into our lives for different reasons. Look at it that your paths crossed for a reason and their time is up. It’s best it happened now that you can pick up the pieces of your life. What if it happened at old age or when you need them the most?
We have always thought love is enough to keep a relationship until we got hit by heartbreak. Don’t fall into the dungeon of regrets, it will do you no good. Instead, be grateful for the lessons you learned, they will come in handy someday.
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