Entering into relationships is one part of life that is inevitable. Even if it isn’t a dating or romantic relationship, one way or the other, you will be involved in platonic relationships.
People are continuously getting into relationships, leaving, working on improving, or enduring it. It is true that there are no rules and regulations when it comes to love and nurturing relationships because most times you end up using what works for you. On the other hand, there are things you need to do to make your relationship work.
Most couples neglect their mates and expect the relationship to blossom. Anything left unattended will definitely not yield it’s best. There’s a lot of pressure out there to always be on the lookout for someone better at the expense of nurturing your relationship to make it better.
There are also others who are constantly looking for shortcuts in relationships. They find people they are fond of, yet they seem not to get along and they blame their inability to get along on their mates or just conclude that they are “incompatible”.
There are some also who entered into relationships that led to marriage and enjoyed the beginning but now are wallowing in self-pity and filled with regret. Why all these happenings? It is because we have failed to unravel the mystery of what works for our relationships that we should adopt and continue the search inwards for those things we do that continuously sabotage our relationships and stop doing them.
There are some unwritten codes that could strengthen a relationship and keep you tightly joined to your mate. The secret to successful relationships will always remain a secret if we keep scratching the surface and ignoring the call to go deeper in our search for these codes. Hence, this post will be focusing on some things we need to stop doing in our relationships.
This reminds me of a quote by Dr. Phil McGraw that says relationships are not meant to be cured but managed. I’d like to call some of these things we need to stop doing “wreckers” of relationships because they only lead your relationships like a sheep to the slaughterhouse.
1. Being Negative
To have and enjoy the very best in a relationship, the positives should outweigh the negatives. Once there is a thought that looms on negativity, an attitude will be born which won’t be a good one.
I can relate to the fact that sometimes your mate will not be giving their 100%, I can also relate to the fact that there are so many attitudes and characters our mates keep putting up almost all the time and you have discussed it with them, yet, it doesn’t look like they are ever going to change and this may make you go south emotionally and begin to nag, criticize every move they make to be improper or totally wrong.
Being negative involves reading meaning to actions and decisions made, being suspicious, overly jealous, and being too involved and unconcerned with unimportant details like going through your mate’s phones to see who they are in touch with.
Being a detective doesn’t mean you can safeguard your relationship, you may end up pushing your spouse away. Dealing with this will mean you need to take a thorough search of yourself and work on your esteem. Dialogue with your mate and work on your attitude also.
2. Being Selfish And Insatiable
Relationships always transcend from ”me” and “I” to “we” and “ours”. Letting your self-interest take priority is an unbalanced and bumpy route to take in a relationship. Relationships are best savored when it involves both parties.
Most times there is the temptation to be taken over by your own interest. You may begin to take your mate for granted and lose out on getting the best from them. It will leave you and your partner with the feeling of being unimportant.
Being selfish will make you invest in yourself only and not do the same for your partner. When you even try, you do the barest minimum even when you can do better and it will make you always want to have your way or have the upper hand in the relationship.
On the other hand, some partners are never satisfied irrespective of the efforts their mates put into loving and making them happy, they just feel their mates should do more even if they are doing their best already. These attitudes could ruin your happiness and that of your mate if you don’t get rid of them.
3. Blame Trading
Most times this shows up in the form of anger outbursts or what I’d like to call “Transfer of Aggression”. It’s more like a scenario where your partner takes the blame for every hard feeling or hurt you feel. You make your partner indirectly responsible for whatever mishap may have befallen you.
You may have had a hard time at work only to return home and transfer your anger on your spouse by complaining of chores left undone without first understanding why it is yet undone. This could really be unfair.
Every couple needs to be able to handle issues and not allowing one situation of life to rub off on your mate.
4. Presenting Jokes That Hurt
Once your partner says your tease or jokes hurts please consider putting it down rather than saying your mate doesn’t have a sense of humor or deciding to stop cracking jokes with your spouse altogether. You shouldn’t force your mate to accept what they don’t like, that’s why you are different individuals.
Learn to forbear also. Possibly they may have had a hard time growing up and have always been put down. Listen to why they find your tease hurting rather than drawing conclusions.
5. Justifying Your Actions
This is a feeling that one is always right. In marriage, it should be well understood that equality matters, not in position but that both partners have stakes and are partners. When either of the couples starts being too domineering and keeps seeking to always have the last word in every argument or decision, then sooner or later the relationship will head for the rocks.
Sometimes, it’s wise to reach a compromise by meeting in the middle and allowing your spouse even if it’s something you don’t agree with, provided it won’t wreak any havoc. Learning to communicate your feelings in a modest manner is also very vital.
Maturity is not only saying what should be said at the right time but also being silent when it’s best to do so. It’s a strong relationship wrecker to start lecturing your mate over a little squabble. Some mates have a know-it-all attitude. Learn to admit when you make mistakes even when your mate doesn’t confront you about it.
Be self-accountable. You can never have answers to all questions, some issues will never be resolved but it shouldn’t affect your happiness. When there’s an issue, don’t seek to win. Consider your mate, look at earning peace, and understanding your mate rather than winning. You could lose your mate in the process.
6. Not Making Your Mate A Priority
This is something a lot of couples take for granted. It also means keeping too many secrets about yourself and leaving your mate in the dark. It involves being dishonest and not listening to your spouse.
One communication error couples make is failing to listen to their spouse. They would rather take advice from anyone else than their partner. Depriving your mate of making inputs in your life shows you don’t value them.
Being physically present with them isn’t enough, are you there in the real sense? Do you give them listening ears? Giving listening ears isn’t in most cases the solution but it can act as a reliever to them. Everyone wants to be cared for and heard. Listening helps you understand the needs of your partner and also allows them to make contributions where they can.
Little doses of attention could take your relationship to another level, don’t be too busy not bonding with your mate. Everyone needs to know they are respected and considered in every relationship. If this isn’t in place, you will not get the best from them.
It’s disrespectful to badmouth your mate to friends and family, it could make your spouse develop low self-esteem and inferiority complex. It also opens the door to third-party interventions in your relationship. Once your relationship stops being exclusive, you are meant to have problems.
There are also times we fall short of what we plan to do; if this happens, iron it out with your mate, let them know it was due to situations beyond your control. Don’t make it seem as if you don’t value them or that your words keep failing. It’s better your words match with actions so that you can be considered as one who is trustworthy.
7. Overcrowding Your Partner
Everyone needs some time alone sometimes. There is always time for everyone to return to self. Don’t choke your mate with your presence, allow them some breathing space. Most men desire this to enable them to think and proffer solutions to problems. Remember they are not emotional beings like us.
Try not to be in their way, allow them to be themselves, let them carry out their responsibilities, don’t turn them into overgrown babies by babysitting them, allow them to handle their responsibilities, don’t take over them. You can offer support instead. Some can barely take their hands off their partner’s phones, stop snooping around!
8. Being Overdependent On Your Mate
I’ve met a couple of ladies and guys who are sitting all day waiting for that perfect mate that will walk into their lives and change it for good.
There are also people in relationships who seek only for what they can get and not what to give to their partners. This is so wrong. I reiterate here that I’m a lover of independence and I love to see people do well with little or no support.
I understand life can go awry sometimes but you shouldn’t be a burden on your mate by making your life seem like a project or a cross they need to bear all their lives. Seek ways to improve yourself and also think of what you can bring to the table. Don’t be a liability!
9. Being Insecure
This doesn’t only stop at snooping around your partner’s phone but doing all to please your partner even at your own detriment.
Being insecure do you more harm than good because it could make you unnecessarily jealous seeing the opposite gender with your mate. It could even make you keep your partner from family and friends and hinder them from being free. It doesn’t stop there, it could make you a people-pleaser too.
10. Not Complimenting Your Mate
Everyone appreciates a high five or even a pat on the back sometimes. Saying well done, thank you, I’m sorry, I love you and so many other words are things we shouldn’t forget to say to our mates. It makes them feel loved and also makes them feel special. Imagine not receiving or sending a gift, how would your partner feel?
Giving is an act of love and doesn’t end at material things but your time, strength, and effort.
The issues stated above are not sure signs that if you do any of the above, your relationship will end but they are just pointers that problems abound and can be fixed. They are being exposed so that you can watch out for them in your actions and reactions.
I know you don’t even know some of these actions are bad, you just feel that’s who you are but you can change. Own your happiness and don’t allow avoidable mistakes to ruin it!
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