Finally, you are in a new relationship. Perhaps, this is your first, second or you have even lost count of your previous relationships. Remember how it feels to go shopping, getting new stuff or even being in a new relationship. The feeling is always beautiful.
You can’t wait to show it off, you could even wake up at night to just gaze at the new items lovingly. You feel like you have what you have always wanted and you are beginning to scheme or look for possible ways to make it last, if possible forever.
I have been there and I can relate. You finally met Mr handsome after some long days of being single and you just feel like “this is it”. You feel good about it and begin to talk about him to family and friends, you picture him as your ideal man and hoping he will pop the ” will you marry me” question real soon.
Sister, it’s time to take a chill pill and relax. I understand so many things are going through your mind currently but you need to be cool to be able to view your newly found man with the eyes of reality and see how you click instead of fantasizing so quickly.
I know this is the last thing you may want to hear presently, as you have fallen head over heels in love and you are enjoying the attention of being a new catch but can you relax in order not to make grave mistakes that will make you get bored quickly or make you lose this same man you are crazy about?
Mistakes are inevitable in the race of life and I think it’s wise to learn from the mistakes of others and avoid making the same. In case you have made some relationship mistakes, don’t beat yourself too much as it happens but you can learn now and create a better future for your current relationship.
You may not agree with everything you are going to read here as relationships are not about the do’s and don’t but they are all about looking out for what works for you and sticking with them as no two relationships are the same.
We are unique and so are our relationships also. If you can put to practice what you are about to read, I believe you would avoid a whole lot of mistakes in your current relationship.
Men are unique and the only way we can win with them is to view them through their own eyes and not through ours as we are different and respond to issues differently.
What you think is what a man needs may not be what he needs except you can watch him closely to understand him or even ask questions. This is where a lot of women fail -We think we are good with mind-reading and we assume a lot of things instead of finding out for ourselves.
Some mistakes are not too fatal but you could risk losing your relationship because of it. Even if you don’t end up losing your relationship, you may end up starting on a wrong footing which won’t be healthy for you. Below is a list of mistakes smart women don’t make in relationships – I know you are one too, let’s take a peek together.
1. Smart Women Don’t Say “I Love You” Too Quickly
Smart women are whole and do not follow their emotions instead, they are logical thinkers. Voicing out your emotions too soon can scare your new man away. It will seem you are trying to get him into a committed relationship too quickly.
Smart women take things slow and easy. They watch their man and go at his pace, they don’t try to take over the relationship and run it, instead they move at par with their men when it comes to expressing their feelings.
2. Don’t Build Your Schedule Around Him
Being in a new relationship can be intriguing especially if it’s the first or if it’s coming after a long while of being single. There’s the temptation of wanting to spend a lot of time together. This isn’t too good as you had a life before you met your man and nothing should change at least not too soon.
Carry on with your normal life and activities, you both need some personal space. Your man may see you as being needy and this may make him withdraw. No man wants to feel like he is been choked. Don’t cancel vital occasions just to be with him, not too soon.
Give it some time, watch to see how well you both can cope without each other and the level of sacrifice you both can give each other. Easy does it, only fools rush in!
3. Don’t Expect Too Much From Him
Unrealistic expectations are the reason for most breakups today. Some women feel the moment they are in a relationship, all their life-problems are solved. This is so untrue and not the norm for strong women.
It’s okay to expect some level of support from your man but don’t put all your burdens on him. He has his ‘own’ demons he is fighting too. Don’t demand what your man cannot give you, you have to be responsible for your happiness and self-worth. Asking him for validation will scare him away.
4. Disclosing Too Much About Yourself
Most women in love always want to share, talk and pour out their hearts to their men but do you think this is healthy for your new relationship? Spilling too much about yourself is not a good idea, especially when your man has not been open to you.
This is risky because you may end up disclosing too much information, both the good, the bad and the ugly. There is time for everything, as you both grow in love, the ideal time to spill the good and the not so good will come. Besides, you need to be sure of the motives of the man you are dating before you can become comfortable in sharing your life with him.
Some ladies make the mistake of revealing too much about their past relationships, why it ended and who was at fault, forgetting you are in a fragile one now and your new man may be looking at you through the lens of what you told him about your previous relationships especially if they ended because of infidelity.
5. Speaking Ill Of Your Ex
I agree that your ex must have been an idiot, dumb or even a serial cheat but your new man must not know about this just yet. Besides, you have evolved and come out of your past relationship stronger and better. Don’t give him the impression you want to go back or use hateful words that debase and hurt their egos.
Imagine you using some derogatory words on your ex, he will think there is something wrong with you and withdraw from you or even use it against you when there is a misunderstanding.
6. Ignoring Warning Signals
I know you are getting to know each other but you can also use this time out to watch your partner’s behavior. Relationship experts advice you should see your man in different life situations.
Don’t stay fixed to seeing each other only at the cinema. Be innovative, take a walk together sometimes, visit the library or go watch a football match together.
He may be sweet and lovely to you but you need to know how he relates to people. Does he have anger issues? Is he competitive or over-ambitious? Does he yell at you or try to hit you and you just overlook or ignore it?
No dear, being in love doesn’t mean you should approve of bad behavior. Be firm and watch out for signs you may not be compatible, don’t force it.
7. Going On Even When The Relationship Doesn’t Feel Right
Some ladies would rather put up with crap than remain single. Being single is not a death sentence- it means you know what you want and you are ready to wait till your basic desires in a man are met (remember it’s not about being perfect but finding one you can live with and be at peace).
I’ve known Ray from my high school days, said Rennie. He was so sweet and loving. We could hardly get enough of each other. After three years of being together in school, I noticed my man was nowhere to be found. He just vanished. I was hurt and waited several days and it ran into months and years eventually and I left school without hearing from him.
About seven years later, an old friend of mine called asking if she could share my contact with Ray. Oh my! I was so excited and asked her to do so. Almost immediately, a call came through and it was Ray. We agreed to go on a date together and continued from where we left off years ago.
I noticed Ray had changed. He called me up several times a month asking for a loan which he never paid back. He always avoided some calls on his phone and would talk in his tones when we are together at night. I wondered why he couldn’t hold a job but I still made excuses for the economic situation in the country and so many other excuses for him.
Eventually, he popped the question, he asked me to marry him. I was excited because he was the only man I’ve known yet my guts kept telling me to watch out and ask questions but I was too quick to say yes. We got married with me having to foot all the bills for our wedding and pay our mortgage.
One day I got tired and began asking questions because I saw him leave home every day with nothing to show for it. Then it dawned on me that Ray dropped out of school, was into drugs, heavily indebted and had no job. I was broken!
I left for work that morning full of tears with no idea about what to do. I returned at night to discover he has packed his things and left our apartment, leaving a note behind and telling me how he had been living on women and I happened to be his fourth victim. I was crushed.
If only I had listened to my guts and been more observant, I would not have made such a terrible mistake. Rennie is currently undergoing counseling to help her get on her feet again.
8. Getting Intimate Too Soon
Doesn’t it feel better to see how well you are in sync intellectually and otherwise before checking out how he feels in bed?
This could make you bypass some important phases in your relationship like building, communicating and seeing how compatible you are.
The moment you start touching too early in relationships, you stop talking and your judgment of your man becomes clouded. You end up having a false bond and think you are in love especially when you touch. If it doesn’t occur, you feel unloved meanwhile, you may be seen as a friend with benefits.
Every man is a chaser but when you give in too quickly, your man may think you are loose and may have been like this in your past relationships. The fact that he feels right on the bed may not mean he’s right for your life goals, your total makeup or where you are heading in life.
Two naked bodies on the bed is not a guarantee of love. The bottom line is don’t rush. Allow some time until you both are ready and there is some level of commitment in your relationship.
9. Showing Him Off Too Early
I’m a fan of “if a relationship has to be secret, you have no business being in it” but I also don’t think it’s wise to blow the trumpet of victory too early. Our family and friends have their place in our relationships but we have the final say of who we want to be with eventually.
Come to think of it, this man you are parading and singling about has not introduced you to his friends talk more of his family, so why label yourself when your man is yet to do so? Even if he tries to do so too quickly, a strong woman will tell him, remember we have a long way to go, time will tell.
Ladies, tag themselves too quickly and shut down their association with other friends the moment a man steps in. This is a grave mistake that can cost you this relationship as you are yet to know the true intents of your newly found mate.
10. Overestimating Him Instead Of Allowing Him To Prove Himself
Ladies are always clouded by reasoning and a sense of judgment. We have a picture of our ideal man but we are too in a hurry to make our man into that ideal man without waiting for him to tick the boxes himself.
11. They Don’t Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries in relationships are very important as it tells both parties how far they can go, what they can accept or not. Most ladies like the popular saying that “A bird in the hand is worth two in the forest”.
This isn’t true in all cases, particularly when it comes to love. They just get carried away and validate wrong habits all in the name of being in a relationship. This is not healthy at all.
12. Trying To Impress Him
Be yourself and be real! It is normal to want to appear at your best when you meet someone new and begin dating but you don’t have to break the bank to do so. Some go into debts, borrowing or even steal from their friends just to look good and come across as being classy.
Don’t try to be who you are not with the mindset of thinking or assuming your mate wants you to be someone else. Be real, truth is always constant and whoever you are will be revealed over time. Don’t give an impression of who you are not, you are most comfortable and at your best when you are real. Don’t try to be somebody else.
13. Allow Him To Be The Man
We live in a world where women are becoming more independent and powerful. This makes them able to pay their bills themselves. Men are beings who are wired to win and lead in every aspect of life including love and when they don’t do this or are prevented from doing this, they feel miserable.
A real man loves to take care of his lady- Don’t come across to him like you can take care of yourself, even if you can. Don’t try footing the bills when you go on a date except he suggests you both go Dutch. Allow him lead and follow him.
If you don’t agree with this, he will feel you are trying to control him and no man loves this. Keep being the soft lady you are, be feminine and allow him remain masculine. Don’t try to switch places with him.
14. Don’t Try To Change Him
It’s too early to want to motivate or tell your man what he should do or shouldn’t do. He’s grown you know and he is a product of his environment, places he has been, people he has been with and so many other things. Never try to change a man because you cannot.
No one is perfect including you. Its a new relationship and you have the opportunity of discovering very early if what he brings to the table character-wise is not what you can keep up with. And if you just walk away, do so with maturity. Know that he may not be good for you but he will find his perfect match.
15. Being Too Forward
Women get carried away so easily. We want to always be on the phone with our man, send text messages, in fact, we can fill the phone in less than a week with messages of love and long discussions.
Imagine you are in a new relationship and you are texting him all the time, calling him always and initiating dates. It not your job sister. There is nothing wrong with wanting to go out on a date with your man or even spoiling him a little but it’s too early. Let him take the lead, you may appear needy or be choking him, he can’t always be at your beck and call.
The danger of this is you will eventually set yourself up to be the one doing the calling and fixing of dates as you have not allowed him to do his job. And when he doesn’t, you will begin to feel unloved. Please don’t start what you cannot finish. Take things easy.
What’s My Advice In All Of These?
When you meet a man, take it easy, relax, be curious but don’t go snooping around him or be all over him. Be yourself and try looking beyond the surface- remember you are in a new relationship and there’s a lot of knowing and understanding to be carried out.
Get to know your new man, where he is coming from, possible hangovers he may be carrying from past relationships and the changes he is currently undergoing.
Detective style interrogation won’t cut this, what will cut is open conversations and deep listening to catch what he is saying and what he isn’t saying- the man he is and the man he is becoming, his dreams and aspirations too.
If you have to be with him, you have to be sure he is heading somewhere. Be in love with yourself and radiate it. As for your ex, time will sort it. Just be you.
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