I never meant to start the war…
You know I never meant to hurt you…
Don’t even know what we fighting for…
Rings a bell? Yes, Jordin Sparks sang it…
Fighting in relationships, how much is too much? Fighting in a romantic relationship is a very complex mix for every couple. A lot of the fighting could be because of expectations that have been dashed, misinterpretations of body language, passive-aggressive communications, being oblivious of your partner’s feelings and needs, and most importantly the training that partners got from their family and origin.
We can name these issues but unless we look at the issues with some clarity and insights, it is really hard to change anything. In every relationship, even healthy ones, couples will argue and disagree.
There are plenty of reasons why couples tend to fight. The causes of misunderstanding in a relationship are too numerous but you may be wondering that since conflicts will always arise, how can they be solved? We will be looking at a couple of reasons why couples fight and the reasons why they do.
Your lover may feel misunderstood and misinterpreted sometimes, why does this happen? Misunderstandings arise when your partner usually in a negative or hurtful way interprets or projects a feeling into what you are doing or what you are saying. In this case, no amount of explaining or defensiveness is going to change that person’s mind.
So you are caught in a situation where you have said or done something and your partner has interpreted it in another way, and cannot convince them otherwise and it becomes very frustrating.
This is not to deny that maybe, just maybe your action has some negative content to them as it may have come off as passive-aggressive action to them but you still don’t know that you may not know that unless you have some insight into it but you feel misunderstood.
When you feel misunderstood you are going to do everything you can to get justice, or to get understanding in this relationship. You may have the best of intentions when you took the action or said those words but your partner doesn’t see it that way, and they are taking it and blowing it out in a different way.
This is a common trend among couples, where someone is not understood in the way they want to be understood.
This usually results in wounded defence of posture where you are trying to explain yourself, and one partner is defending themselves, and the other partner doesn’t feel heard or understood because they have an interpretation of something based on their own reality, or their childhood wounds so no one is really hearing the other one.
You both are talking over each other, and competing to be understood and validated, and at the end of the day, nothing happens. If you continue to fight your partner this way, nothing will really change.
Of course, it seems right to point out your feelings to your partner but if the other person is not hearing you out, then the situation will remain unsolved.
Not Been Given Enough Credit And Support
You or your partner may feel you are not given enough credit for what you have contributed or accomplished in the relationship. One person sees the emotional, physical and financial contributions one way, and the other person sees it in another way.
The issues could be about child care, the house rent, it could be about laundry, it could be about sensual or anything about the relationship that somewhat seems uneven; the person might be working too much, and the other person feels the childcare is all on them.
One partner may be the financial pillar of the relationship and feels the other person is spending too much money. So you are not given credit, you are not understood, and you are not given support for who you are, and what you do, and you start keeping scores and competing with your partner.
The woman may start feeling that the man is not there for her because he is spending too much time out with his friends, or playing video games or logging on to social media for too long while leaving only her to focus on the kids. She feels this is the reason they don’t spend time with each other anymore or be sensual as often as she likes, and then she starts keeping scores.
You take care of things your own way but your partner does not see it. Your partner may even be telling you that they are handling 70% of the responsibility, and this is another way of being misinterpreted.
Some couples record every failure of their partners, they keep scores and some even go as far as writing it down (couple’s list). There are deeper issues that you need to honestly examine. The salient issue is that you have not been heard the way you want to be heard, and as important as it is most couples don’t talk about it in their relationship, they don’t talk about the real issue.
You May See A Different Viewpoint Or A Bigger Picture That Your Partner Does Not See
You feel that there is a certain way the relationship should be, or how the family should be run but your partner feels differently.
For example, you feel that your child should have more restrictions, more boundaries or tough love and your partner thinks that the child should be given more of the benefits of the doubt, or more support or more cuddling.
In some ways, you two are going to be at odds. That is a tough one because you have a different opinion about how things can work out.
These scenarios kind of plug into your childhood and life issues, you were treated in a certain way when growing up and this is going to influence how you handle your children.
a. Should there be more touch?
b. Should there be more emotional communication?
c. What do you REALLY need from the relationship?
d. What did you not get that you need to talk about?
Rather than fighting, find ways to talk with your partners about substance. People in relationships usually fight about stuff rather than fighting for substance (things that really matter). You fight over issues without letting your partners know why they matter to you, and yet you are not getting anywhere rather you are circling back and forth.
This is why you may have been fighting over the same issues over and over again. The fight boils down to who we are and what matters to us.
If you are seeing a big picture for your relationship, it is coming from your family of origin; it is coming from what you saw, what you did not get or what you got and really loved, and your partner, of course, had a different family and they are seeing it in the way that they see it.
There are always going to be different ways that people see something in terms of the big picture, and if you don’t talk about what it is like for you to be treated in a certain way, or to be ignored or to be misinterpreted then this fight will go on and on.
How to stop fighting in a relationship is one question every couple needs to ask always and this is what we would be looking at shortly.
Usually, when couples argue constantly in their relationship it is because issues are not getting resolved. When issues don’t get resolved, oftentimes the same fight over and over again can become a repetitive pattern in the relationship. This can create a lot of frustration for the couple, and a lot of emotional exhaustion because they are constantly fighting this battle and this argument and not winning it, and not resolving anything in the process.
This constant fighting can result in the couple feeling more disconnected and frustrated with each other. You should learn how to end this constant fight that is not healthy for your relationship.
Here are a few tips on how to stop fighting in a relationship and how to create a more healthy relationship with fewer arguments;
1. You Should Identify Your True Emotions
In any fight or argument, it is important that you and your partner identify your emotions. Oftentimes when you are angry or you are upset, you may let these negative emotions come to the forefront and your true emotion that you are feeling inside is truly not expressed in a healthy or productive way. So identifying your true emotion is very important.
Your true emotion is not the anger emotion (which is obvious since you are fighting) you are feeling at the moment. You want to identify the primary emotion you were feeling before you got angry;
- Were you feeling frustrated?
- Were you feeling sad?
- Were you feeling scared?
- Were you feeling hurt?
- Were you feeling left out?
Identify those primary emotions, tap into that and use them as statements so you and your partner can talk at a deeper level towards resolving the issues on ground. You need to let your partner know where you are, and your partner also needs to let you know where they are.
When both of you can identify your primary emotions and speak candidly about it with each other, then you can communicate effectively and work towards resolving issues. Sure you have grabbed one tool on how to stop fighting in a relationship?
2. Be Respectful To Your Significant Other
Being respectful includes not yelling, and not saying degrading comments, not cursing at each other. Been respectful simply means treating your partner the way you want to be treated.
Nobody wants to be yelled at, nobody wants to belittle or be degraded or cursed at. Yelling or cursing your partner is not going to help the situation; in fact, it is going to make the situation worse.
So you need to start putting a respectful tone in your sentences. This will go a long way in calming things down.
3. Be Calm As Much As Possible
When you argue it can get really tense; the tenser it gets the more difficult it is for you to be calm, the more difficult it is for you not to yell at your partner, or not lash out verbally or even physically.
You have to relax your body; you have to take some deep breaths. You have to find ways to slow yourself down. You can take the time to think about what it is you are upset about, what exactly hurts your feelings, what exactly triggered you, speak to that.
Relax your body as much as possible; if you stay relaxed your partner will feed off your emotions that are very calming and then you guys can have a productive conversation.
The more relaxed you are, the more actual logical thinking you can do, and not be so reactive emotionally which is causing the argument to increase. So stay relaxed as this is an important step to helping you diffuse any tense crisis.
4. You Want To State Your Needs
To stop the argument, you need to clearly state what you need from your significant other. This will help you guys get to the resolution quicker.
You may argue all day long but you are not finding a solution; so you need to state what you need from your partner (husband, wife, boyfriend, and girlfriend).
Ask your partner;
- What can you do for me?
- What can you give me?
- What can you say that is going to make me feel better?
- What can you do that is going to help the situation?
- What can you do to help resolve this problem?
So you have to start putting some needed actions for what your partner needs to do for you, and they are going to do the same for you.
This will take you from a state of heightened emotional reactivity to where you can take logical steps to sort out issues. This is one great tool I use always and it worked a great deal. Want some more keys on how to stop fighting in a relationship? Let’s read some more.
5. You Need To Come To Some Sort Of Agreement
If you and your partner cannot come to an agreement or resolution it just keeps coming back over and over again. It does not need to be a big resolve, it can be something small.
You can promise your partner not to say or behave in a certain way to upset them, and your partner is going to agree not to do so and so in the future so as not to make you sad, or upset you as well, whatever it is.
You guys can also decide to give each other some space so as to think logically and calm down before you decide to come back into it to find a long term solution for the issue.
You and your partner need to come to some kind of agreement. You should not keep dropping the issue, keep sweeping it under the rug and never resolving it; this attitude will only make the issue fester until it gets you more frustrated, and this results in a lashing out, and the same goes for your partner.
There needs to be some sort of agreement; whether a short-term agreement or a longer-term agreement, you need something you both can compromise on and agree with that has to do with what you and your partner were arguing about in the first place.
If you can do these five steps more frequently, more consistently and put some more efforts into this, you guys will make progress and headways into these issues, help you master steps on how to stop fighting in a relationship and they will not keep coming up in these repetitive patterns which usually lead to emotional exhaustion and frustration which causes you to disconnect and lose your bond.
If you and your partner can actually resolve issues and come to an agreement, you are going to feel more connected, and feel more like that team and that partnership for a happy and healthy relationship. You are going to feel a lot happier, a lot more fulfilled and a lot more content in your relationship.
When next you feel the urge to argue or even fight extremely, remember the lyrics ” why does love always feel like a battlefield”? For me, this phrase comes to mind and literally stops me in my tracks when I’m tempted to spit fire and brimstone.
This is one phrase that has taught me how to stop fighting in a relationship because it got me thinking of going for peace instead of exuding war.
Save this for later!